daily ritual :: summer edition

so. this post definitely falls in the category of too much information. so be forewarned. i a little while back in updates i posted that there might be a problem with my incision. well, that turned out to be a large understatement. because of the radiation that i had 5 years back (well, thats what i keep telling myself so i stop putting the blame on me) the incision not only didn’t heal, but got hugely infected. fortunately, it waited till i got home from vacation...but 2 dys later i was in my doctors office watching brian turn pale as the doctor cut open my chest and pulled out my inplant. (i have very little feeling there...so it didn’t hurt me...except for wanting to throw up cause i knew what was happening) anyway...enough back story and on to the daily ritual part. every day...twice a day...the saint known as brian roach has to pack my open wound...wearing rubber gloves....with saline soaked gauze until the wound heals up from the inside. you cant just sew it up cause there is now way of making sure all the bacteria is out of it. it’s why puncture wounds are so dangerous. now, some of you know...brian is a guy who learned how to give a shot into a box turtles leg. so he’s perfectly suited for this job. and as i have said to myself for the umpteenth-gazillioneth time...i don’t know what i would do without him.

today, tonight, tomorrow

i will be calling and emailing and thank-you-noting-you-all tomorrow....but wanted to let you know that today’s appointment went really well. i probably shouldn’t have been so freaked out. i knew the facts, but your mind takes you far places sometimes. they (uh) will be redoding the path tests on the clinic slides this next week, but based on the report....i will not be needing chemotherapy. and as an added bonus, they said to stop taking the tamoxifen. ( i only had a few months to go, but it was still good to hear. it obviously didn’t stop my cancer from recurring) i will be having, or rather allowing from my dna , some more genetic testing over the next couple of weeks. there is apparently a new test that further defines your risk for ovarian cancer. if that comes back positive there may be a few more things ahead for me. but nothing we couldn’t handle. but today, was a very good day. love to you all. and all my love to brian who without i wouldn’t have made it through. your good wishes have meant more than you know.

venting

i’d like to think that i’ve been pretty even keeled about this whole thing...but sometimes things just set me off.

first let me start by saying that i’m stradling the systems. surgery at clinic...oncology at uh. uh called me yesterday at 4:30 saying, hey you have an appointment tomorrow, where are your films? how was i supposed to know? so then i sent almost an hour on the phone with the clinic being transferred, cut off, transferred again, transferred to the emergency department(?), transferred again to the same person 3 times who proceeded to lose her temper with me only to finally find out it was slides i needed not films. big difference. x!@##$%. then get transferred to pathology only to be told, sorry, they have all left for the day. !#$#$@%$. finally get transferred to that persons supervisor who was still there and was the nicest person i talked to all day. not only did he find the slides, he packaged them up and left them at the front desk for me...and actually called me back. thanks, paul.

so, then i call uh first thing this morning to see if it would be helpful for me to drop off the slides first thing this morning instead of waiting for my appointment at 3:00. and was told, no, it didn’t really matter because the slides would have to be sent downtown to be retested by uh before my oncologist could do anything with them. @%$@%@%^#^#^#^. i was hoping today to visit my oncologist and find out my fate for the next couple of months and now, i’m not even sure that’s going to happen. she will have the pathology report, so hopefully we will learn something. but on top of already feeling really anxious, now i’m frustrated too.

oh well. like i said, it’s probably my own fault for not staying within the same system. i just with both systems had more understanding for patients understand and know. both sides could have probably handled this with a single phone call...a week and a half ago.

ok, i’m done. i’ll keep you posted.

pink

today was wear-pink-day at burton elementary in honor of two of our most beloved teachers who are also going through a breast cancer battle right now. thanks to joanna...sammy has the coolest shirt ever...that even has his moms name on it. he was a little afraid that it looked like a dress...but i think the black underarmour toughened it up.

another day, another appointment

but today with one of my favorite people, my general surgeon, dr. dorsky. it’s not like he’s over-the-top friendly, but his manner is really comforting to both brian and i. i wish i could take him to my oncology appointment next week. he is super positive that i wont need further treatment...other than maybe something hormonally...but is not so sure that the oncologist will look at things the same way. anyway, still very happy with yesterdays news and feeling pretty good about it. i planned on writing more, but i am being kicked off the computer by my daughter and husband. more later.

:)

no lymph node involvement! i meet with my oncologist next week so i can’t say for 100% certain that i won’t have additional treatment...but its still a good sign. i also found out that there was a pre-cancerous growth in the right breast that nothing picked up except this biopsy. so just more reassurance for us that we did the right thing. so, have a toast for me. i’ll join you as soon as i get off all these pain killers! xoxo

and ps. i will just never be able to thank everyone enough for all their prayers and help. we are just so blessed to have so many loving families. brace yourself, i think this will be an ongoing theme for lot of the next posts!

things that made me smile today

(in no particular order)
1 > olivia questioning my love for her
2 > that lame mime doing “repairwork” on the olympic torch
3 > sammy doing einy-meiny-miny-mo to decide who would take him to school
4 > card on my back door from meredith...we are so blessed with good friends
5 > a snowman
6 > all my conversations with jimmy today
7 > a care package from colleen...that good friends-thing again
8 > every time brian walks into my office
9 > summer madness
10 > my kids doing dance dance revolution to hungry like the wolves

so, full disclosure, this post was written last monday night...the night before my surgery. just thinking about all the the things in my life i have to smile about that day. and the next day was no exception. i constantly had the hand of my best friend...well with the exception of a couple of hours. and everyone we met was happy, friendly and helpful. we were told that the surgery went textbook...no problems. the pain...that was a problem, but i had a pump and everyone kept a close eye on me. and believe it or not, i was released early the next afternoon. i think my kids were a bit freaked out to see me though. between looking pale and unsteady, i also had all sorts of nasty things hanging from my body. 2 drains and 2 pain pumps. they don’t usually see me sick or unhappy, so it sort of upset sam. but i have felt better and stronger every day since. honestly, if you would have told me that i would feel like i do today tuesday night....i wouldn’t have believed you. so,

the elephant in my kitchen. the lymph nodes. i still don’t know yet. i called this morning and they said to try again this afternoon. anyone who has been thru this...and unfortunately, i know too many, know that this is the worst part. waiting. waiting. waiting. i don’t even know what to say. but hopefully my next post will start with a :)

vacuum

so, it would appear that my luck with cancer is about as good as my luck in vacuums. which is to say...it sucks. (see what i did there?) having gone through 3 vacuums in about 2 months...i could hardly believe it was happening. but with those vacuums...it was so crazy that all i could do was laugh. the cancer...not so much. right at my five year mark...my routine mri showed a shadow that wasn’t there last year. when they say shadow, it kind of makes it not sound so ominous. but when they say invasive lobular cancer...not so good. anyway, i am having a double mastectomy with reconstruction on march 2nd. i am really ok with it. i didn’t start this blog to really reveal all sorts or personal stuff, but right now it seems like a good way to keep everyone in the loop. we won’t know till the day of the surgery if it has spread to my lymph nodes, but my thinking is that if they only saw a “shadow”...it’s small. so all my positive energy is going in that bucket.

(my next appointment is for pre-op next monday. nothing scary. just blood work...which i was due for anyway.)